I’ve been thinking about something lately, thought I might share.

I am single. I’ve been single for several years now, with barely a prospect on the horizon at any point in that time. I honestly don’t understand how other people do it -breaking up with a partner, then within a few weeks meeting someone else who happens to return their interest and starting the process over again. I just don’t seem to meet new people, ever, and on the odd occasion that I do, the chances of that person being single themselves, and in the right age group, and that I find myself getting along well with, AND that returns my interest… well, that combo is so rare that it basically never happens.

And I’m off topic already. Lol.

The point is, one of the (probably many) reasons I’m single is that I’m extremely introverted and actually afraid of people approaching me in public. If a guy hit on me, I would either be a) oblivious, or b) terrified and not know what to do or say. Which is ridiculous, right? What is there to be afraid of? Well, saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, embarrassing one or both of us, making such a fool of myself that I could never face the poor guy again…

Excuses, excuses.

But I think this is a problem, because for so many years I’ve used my weight as a defence mechanism. “It’s okay, no one will approach me and put me in that situation, because I’m fat and unattractive.” Which is crazy really -plenty of people have met their significant other whilst one or both parties were overweight. It’s not really a barrier at all. But I know that last time I got to goal weight -despite feeling amazing, and energetic, and like I might even be termed ‘hot’ for the first time in my life -I also suddenly felt exposed. Vulnerable. And I freaked out. The slimmer I became, the more I developed a binge eating habit. A habit I didn’t have at all when I had started losing weight a year earlier.

I’ve always been an emotional eater. That was nothing new. But feeling vulnerable and exposed, leading to anxiety and panic, leading to binging on family-size block of chocolate? Chocolate is numbing. The bloatedness and the heavy weight of it masks whatever emotion you might be feeling. Like when someone offers to punch your arm to distract you from your stubbed toe… it really works. And the sugar high doesn’t hurt either, of course.

The problem still remains. How do I stop myself from stressing out about potential encounters so much? The easy answer would be to get used to them whilst still overweight, but I don’t feel the timing and frequency of these moments is something I have any control over.

So I’ve decided I should start making myself feel attractive now. Maybe getting used to that feeling now will mean feeling less vulnerable later. Just, say, once a week, I’ll make a bit more effort with my appearance. I’ll switch to contact lenses instead of glasses, maybe put in some dangly earrings (because I love dangly earrings but I normally don’t think about it in the morning) and even, maybe, put on some makeup. I don’t normally wear makeup, at all, unless it’s a special event and one of my friend’s forces me to sit still while they apply it for me, but… maybe.

Right. That’s decided. Thanks for listening.

It’s not a new lesson; I’ve long been aware that planning and preparing food in advance makes it easier to eat healthy, stick to your plan and lose weight. Where last-minute decisions have a high chance of being bad ones, those made in advance rarely are.

Despite knowing all this, last night I was lazy and didn’t feel up to cooking dinner. That was fine, I just made something small instead. But a flow-on effect was that I didn’t have anything to bring to work for lunch today. And my favourite sandwich shop -where I have a standing order for a chicken and salad sandwich on wholemeal bread -is still closed for the Christmas/New Year holidays. The cafe in my work building is also still closed, leaving only one lunch option on my street. I don’t like a lot of the stuff offered by this last cafe, so I don’t go there often. And when I went there today, I fell back on my usual order: chicken schnitzel on Turkish bread.

In my favour, the sandwich has low-fat mayo and lettuce in it, but the damage was done. The Turkish bread and schnitzel alone made up half my daily calorie allowance, and I’m sure my portion guesstimates were on the conservative side.

I have quickly planned out a low calorie dinner (lean chicken breast and vegies) but there’ll be no after dinner sweets tonight, and only one small snack this afternoon. I suspect I’ll be very hungry by the time I get home.

Learn the lesson, Kris: a little bit of effort last night would have prevented any problem now.

I’m using Calorie King to help me lose weight. I’ve used it before successfully, and no other method I’ve tried has worked as well so I’m happy to go back to it again. Many people there have motivational signatures on their forum posts, and one of them stuck out for me this week: “Losing weight is hard. Maintaining weight is hard. Staying fat is hard. CHOOSE YOUR HARD.”

I liked this. They’re right. The choice to be fat is easy -giving into your desires and cravings is easy -but being fat is not. It’s emotionally hard. It can be physically hard, when you find yourself panting from light exercise. Obviously it’s hard on your health. On the other hand, losing weight and keeping it off is mentally hard, but you’re physically and emotionally better off.

Another one I was reminded of was “Willpower is a muscle.  The more you exercise it, the stronger it gets.” I believe this is true. I often struggle with cravings and find myself buying chocolate without even consciously deciding to do so. And yet, I have examples in the past that show I DO have the willpower, if I choose to use it. I once gave up chocolate for 5 months, whilst keeping several hundred grams of it in the bottom of the fridge. I didn’t touch it once. After the first few weeks, I wasn’t even feeling tempted by it, and when the date came that I was allowed to eat it, I was satisfied after only a little. And this from someone who normally describes themselves as having a major chocolate addiction!

I am choosing my hard. I am exercising my willpower muscle. I am losing this weight!

On an ‘up’ note, when I weighed in last Wednesday, I had lost 1.6kg! I expect something small, if anything, this week, but that’s okay. Slow and steady wins the race!

So. It’s a new year, and for the first time in, well, a bit over two years, I’m actually interested in calorie counting again. My interest in weight loss has come and gone over that time, but I was totally uninterested in calorie counting. Which is a shame, because it is the only thing that’s ever worked. Hey, last time I made it to goal weight! I hit 57.7kg!! The lightest I’d ever been in my adult life.

Unfortunately I wasn’t in a good place emotionally when I reached my goal, and the first few kilos came back on very quickly. And then, in 2010, my personal life became one big mess and then things really went to hell for a while. I gained a kilo a week for several months straight. That finished up with me being at about 81kg at the beginning of 2011. Now it’s the very beginning of 2012, and a few days ago I weighed in at 84kg.

I have to say, I’m quite pleased I recorded only a 3kg gain for the whole of 2011. For much of the year I wasn’t paying much care or attention to what I ate. My motivation to lose weight cycled up and down, and I tried any number of times to start losing weight again, but my heart was never really in it. It was like I needed a mental break after the tragic ending 2010 had.

But I’m back, and willing to count my food properly, and be accountable. If the first day of the year is supposed to set the course for the rest, then 2012 will be my year: I ate healthily, was productive, and felt physically better than I have done in a long time. (I’ll save explaining what’s wrong physically for another time.)

I would like to mention that this (also) is NOT a New Year’s Resolution: It’s been on my mind for a long while and things have just fallen into place to make now an ideal time to get started. Also, Resolutions tend to be made and then forgotten until next NYE: this is a choice I am making that I intend to carry through the year and beyond.

Bring on 2012!

PS. I notice I never came back and explained the cake I baked and posted about in my last post. I will fix that, soonish.

Also, I’m happy and impressed with how it turned out. Reasonably flat and not cracked and broken (which, technically, is how a butter cake should be, but wouldn’t suit my purposes).

The second thing that is that my Acer Iconia officially became the coolest tablet computer in existence. It is now made of Wonderflonium.

You can’t beat that. Don’t bother trying.

 
So yesterday I went for a walk along the Glebe Foreshore after work. It was a beautiful Sydney spring day, and I had already done my exercise for the day (a swim before work) but I needed to check out Federal Park in Glebe to see if it had BBQs. It does.
 

 
It’s a nice walk there from work, down along Wentworth Park, around the high school to Blackwattle Bay, where the top photo was taken. Sydney CBD at sunset, as seen from the ruins of the Old Glebe Incinerator. The second photo was up around the corner from there, looking directly west.

Not only was it a nice evening for a walk, it was also good for my legs. I’ve been laid up with shins splints, for which I was repeatedly told I must rest rest rest! The damage is deep and so I have been pain free for about ten weeks or more but not allowed to start running. I have now started running again -with the caution that I must build up distances very slowly. Yesterday was not a running day, but a nice relaxed walk is always good for you. It was nice to be out doing something even if I couldn’t permit myself to run.
 

 
Above: looking back towards the city again, this time with ANZAC Bridge in view. Taken from the south western end of Bicentennial Park, on Rozelle Bay.

So I wandered, and stopped to take photos, and read signs about the historical importance of the places I passed -and had passed a hundred times before on previous runs without stopping. And I found the BBQ in Federal Park, and wandered over to Jubilee Park to use the bathroom, and then headed up to the Metro Might Rail station to head back to Central Station.

Below: Jubilee Park sportsground, seen from the Jubilee Park Metro Light Rail stop. The light rail is Sydney’s version of trams, for any non-locals reading this.
 

 
Mostly, though it’s been twelve and a half months since I had last run along that gorgeous foreshore, very little had changed and it was like I’d never left. It was as beautiful and inspiring and friendly as it ever was. Probably, the only real difference is how I feel about it -every turn and corner and view now comes imbued with a sense of nostalgia for the many runs I have enjoyed along that stretch. I hope to be adding to that number very soon.

And with that, it’s time for me to head out on tonight’s run/walk. Today will be my second session of 30 second runs with 2 minute walk breaks. (30 seconds has never felt so short!) Can’t wait for those runs to build up, but better safe than sorry. I do not want another ten weeks off running!

This was the first week of my new training plan, and I couldn’t be happier with how it went. The plan involves three runs per week, on Tuesday, Friday and Sunday. At the moment I’m using the C25K program for the Tuesday & Friday runs, whilst the third is a long run done at a short ratio. On Mondays and Thursdays I do a trainer ride, followed by strength work. Wednesdays are a rest day, whilst Saturdays are earmarked ‘rest/leisure’ meaning I can do some form of physical activity if I want (bushwalk, rockclimbing, ice skating, or an actual outdoor bike ride) but only for fun. Otherwise, I’m free to be lazy.

Today I set out early-ish (bout 7:40am -early compared to what time I’ve been up on Sunday mornings in recent months, but late compared to a lot of other ‘early morning’ runners!) so I could get the run done before heading out to see the family for Mother’s Day. It was cool enough to see my breath this morning -we’re definitely heading into the cold months now. I headed down to Georges River National Park, which was gorgeous as per usual, although much quieter than usual for a Sunday morning. The numbers of fishermen and boating enthusiasts were down drastically -I can only assume they were all off visiting their mothers! I did see one man out walking, and another drove past, and one cop car came past me twice -obviously with so few people using the park there was no need for them to stick around.

I also saw a wild rabbit on my way down there, which actually waited til I was only ten metres or so away before hopping sedately into the bushes. And on the way back I was treated to the awesome sight of steam rising off the bushland where the sunlight had only just reached the dew.

So. My running for Week 20:
Tue: 3km (C25K Week 3)
Thu: 4km (C25K Week 3 + extra walking)
Sun: 7km (at a 1 min run : 1 min walk ratio)

Total: 14km

I was actually only planning to cover 12km this week, but Thursday’s and today’s runs ended up a bit longer than expected once the warm up and cool down walks were included. Do you include them in your distance? I never used to, but I am now. I guess I’m counting it as ‘distance covered’, since my runs currently include copious amounts of walking anyway, why not count the warm-up and cool down walks as well?

I am pleased to note that I am still feeling very motivated, a week after this particular bout of inspiration first struck. I hope it will be strong enough to last through the winter!

I won’t actually be doing a third session of this run. Given I’m training to run much longer distances than the 5km that the program build up to, and my existing running history, I’ll be doing a ‘long run’ on Sundays, using a short walk/run ratio to keep it within my body’s limits. This weekend I’m planning to do 6km at a 1:1 ratio (1 minute walking/1 minute running).

My calves were quite sore after this run, particularly where the calf muscle meets the tendons. I used the foam roller on them and on my ITBs. My right ITB hurt a LOT. Particularly down low near the knee. I’m considering whether I should be rolling it on my non-running days as well, to help it loosen up. Thankfully the left wasn’t nearly as bad.

With the two C25K runs I’ve done this week, and the two cycling and strength sessions I also got in, I’ve already spent more hours exercising this month than I did in the whole of last month! A good sign for the rest of May, whilst also a sad comment on how bad April was!

This one involved a 90 second run, a 3 minute run, another 90 second run, and another 3 minute run. The breaks in between were equal to the length of the runs (ie, a 90 second walk after the 90 second run, a 3 minute walk after the 3 minute run).

I had actually forgotten how scary the 3 min run can look when you’ve been doing nothing longer than 60 or 90 second runs for weeks. It doesn’t sound like much, until you’re out there and suddenly you’ve finished the 90 second run, and you’re puffing and panting, and it suddenly hits you that the next run is going to be double that.

In reality, it just means slowing down a little, and remembering to breathe. And suddenly it’s not nearly as difficult as it seemed.

This was a good run for me -no pain anywhere, and plenty of feel good hormones. There were only two downers:  first, that my phone stuffed up just as I was setting out, forcing me to return home and spend 20 minutes digging out my old mp3 player to use instead, and then loading Robert Ullrey’s podcast for Week 3 onto it.

Second, it’s been raining constantly for over a month here in Sydney, which is much wetter than usual, and about 1/3rd of the oval where I run was completely waterlogged. On my third lap I’d had enough and cut across the middle of the oval to avoid the soggy area!

When I got home I did some stretches (having already walked for over five minutes as a cool down) and used the Evil Foam Roller on my shins and ITB. These are my two major problem areas, so I’ve decided to tackle them straight off the bat in the hopes that they won’t become problems again later on.

Next run is Friday!

(I have experienced numb feet whilst running in the past, and after trying to loosen the laces and move the shoe about, I could be pretty certain that a bigger shoe would be the only solution this time around. And it worked, which is the final proof.)

So, new shoes were bought. Another pair of my favourite New Balance. Some new workout clothes were bought too -in bigger sizes, to help me feel less self-concious when I go out for a run. And to combat the problem of going out too hard, I decided to redo the C25K Program. More about that in a minute.

I often find change is easier to implement when there is some other major change in my life. Last time, it was moving out of the home I shared with my ex, and moving in with a friend. This time, that same friend has conveniently (timing-wise, at least) moved out, and a new one has moved in. The change in home dynamics makes it much easier to make major changes in other areas of my life, such as exercise and eating habits, since the initial period of cohabitation with a new person naturally involves setting up new patterns and habits in everyday life. I’m suddenly finding it easier to decide I want to exercise, and I want to eat well.

So. After the setbacks with regards to running, I have decided to switch my running and cycling goals. I will aim for 500km of running and 1100km of cycling, since those are more acheivable.

As I said before, to simplify the task of ‘easing into’ running again, I’ve decided to redo the C25K Program, which is what initially gave me my start as a runner. Being that -even without having done much exercise in the last six months -the Week 1 program would be very easy, I decided to start off at Week 2. I’ve done the program a few times lately, most notably last Tuesday and today (Friday).I will try to blog my progress at least weekly.

I also joined the Other Kris for a part of her long run a few weeks ago, and I’m planning to join her again this Sunday when she has a whopping 32km run planned. I’ll be joining her for about 6km of it towards the end. I’d love to keep joining her as she trains for the Macleay Marathon in June, so when I run with Kris on a Sunday, I’ll consider that a replacement for whatever C25K run would normally be scheduled.

That’s all for now! More detail on how the running itself has actually been going -and what else I’ve been up to -later!

2010 was a huge year for me. I created and faced some huge challenges for myself, and learnt an awful lot about my limitations and what makes me happy. Out of all the goals I had for that year however, I don’t know that I managed to achieve any of them. A little disappointing, sure, but in retrospect I think the lessons I got out of it were more important than actually reaching any of those goals. 2010 was not a net loss.

For 2011 however, I’d like to prove to myself that those lessons were indeed learnt, and do so by actually reaching my goals. OK, so what are the goals?

• Run 1100km. Last year’s goal was 700km and I was well ahead of target until I stopped training in late August. 1100km is the other Kris‘s goal for this year, and she invited others to join her in it. It works out to 21.1km a week, and whilst I may be a little slow to get started, I don’t see why I shouldn’t be able to achieve it by the end of the year.
• Ride 500km. Last year’s goal was 700km (or rather, to ride as far as I ran) and I was way behind with almost no hope of catching up by halfway through the year. Primarily because I prioritise running above swimming and cycling, since I do more running races than triathlons. This year I have an indoor trainer which will make it easier to spend time on the bike, especially when it’s freezing outside and the mere thought of wind chill stops me heading out. But I decided on a more modest bike goal anyway.
• Eat well. And as a side effect, lose weight. Since the end of August when everything fell apart, my diet has been atrocious. Like really, truly, horrible. So many times I replaced meals with junk food, or skipped meals completely and then stuffed myself with junk late at night. I put on a ridiculous and embarrassing amount of weight. But my head is back in the right space now, and I’m confident I can lose it all this year. I’ve made a great start already, but simply cutting out chocolate (the bane of my dietary habits) and making sensible choices at meal times.
• Spend time on creative outlets. This is something I was missing through the first half of 2010, and I think rediscovering writing and other pastimes near the end of the year helped me get my head screwed back on. I plan to keep up with the writing group I joined through NaNoWriMo and possibly hold another few dinner parties this year, since I had so much fun with them last year.
• Get out of debt. Yeah, yeah, I know, this is one of those things everyone always swears they’ll do this year. Really though, I’m in a pretty good position with my debt, and if I can be moderate in my spending this year, there’s no reason why I shouldn’t be out of it completely in 12 months time.

I think that’s about it for my goals. I’m trying to keep it simple with the year-long stuff. Simple, achievable, and liable to make me feel great when I succeed.

In other news, I was forced to realise over the Xmas/New Year break that I’ve become anaemic again. I had my first bout with iron deficiency in late 2007 and it’s been on and off ever since. Between late 2009 and early 2010 I was taking an iron tablet 3 times a week as a sort of maintenance. I stopped taking it around February or March, and when a blood test in May showed perfect results, I figured I didn’t need it any more. My sleeping pattern for the second half of 2010 was pretty non-existent and I’d been relying on energy drinks to get me up and awake which explains why I didn’t notice the symptoms earlier, but whilst staying with my family after Christmas, I had three family members over 2 days ask if I was feeling well because I was so pale. Shortly thereafter I did notice that I was sleeping 9 – 10 hours at a time even when my sleeping pattern had been good for several days. This is unusual for me; in the past my body clock has been so regular that I would wake after 8 hours sleep no matter how poor my sleeping pattern had been. And then -after making a conscious effort to cut out the energy drinks -the muscular fatigue really hit me. I wake up most mornings now feeling like I just spent an hour doing weights at the gym. The feeling fades about lunch time but returns by 6pm or 7pm. It is so very hard to go out and do exercise when I feel so drained.

I haven’t had a blood test to confirm the anaemia this time, primarily because the local pathology clinic was closed over Xmas and I didn’t want to wait before starting on the tablets. I am a little bothered that after taking the tablets for two weeks straight I’m still waking up feeling so physically exhausted, so if it continues I will go back to my doctor. For now, I’ll keep taking them and try to get myself to exercise regardless -I know from past experience that (moderate) exercise will actually help me feel better, but exhaustion is a difficult feeling to fight.

Well that about wraps up my new year post. I’ll be back in a few days with some more specific plans for this year.