Hello blog.
I’ve been thinking about something lately, thought I might share.
I am single. I’ve been single for several years now, with barely a prospect on the horizon at any point in that time. I honestly don’t understand how other people do it -breaking up with a partner, then within a few weeks meeting someone else who happens to return their interest and starting the process over again. I just don’t seem to meet new people, ever, and on the odd occasion that I do, the chances of that person being single themselves, and in the right age group, and that I find myself getting along well with, AND that returns my interest… well, that combo is so rare that it basically never happens.
And I’m off topic already. Lol.
The point is, one of the (probably many) reasons I’m single is that I’m extremely introverted and actually afraid of people approaching me in public. If a guy hit on me, I would either be a) oblivious, or b) terrified and not know what to do or say. Which is ridiculous, right? What is there to be afraid of? Well, saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing, embarrassing one or both of us, making such a fool of myself that I could never face the poor guy again…
Excuses, excuses.
But I think this is a problem, because for so many years I’ve used my weight as a defence mechanism. “It’s okay, no one will approach me and put me in that situation, because I’m fat and unattractive.” Which is crazy really -plenty of people have met their significant other whilst one or both parties were overweight. It’s not really a barrier at all. But I know that last time I got to goal weight -despite feeling amazing, and energetic, and like I might even be termed ‘hot’ for the first time in my life -I also suddenly felt exposed. Vulnerable. And I freaked out. The slimmer I became, the more I developed a binge eating habit. A habit I didn’t have at all when I had started losing weight a year earlier.
I’ve always been an emotional eater. That was nothing new. But feeling vulnerable and exposed, leading to anxiety and panic, leading to binging on family-size block of chocolate? Chocolate is numbing. The bloatedness and the heavy weight of it masks whatever emotion you might be feeling. Like when someone offers to punch your arm to distract you from your stubbed toe… it really works. And the sugar high doesn’t hurt either, of course.
The problem still remains. How do I stop myself from stressing out about potential encounters so much? The easy answer would be to get used to them whilst still overweight, but I don’t feel the timing and frequency of these moments is something I have any control over.
So I’ve decided I should start making myself feel attractive now. Maybe getting used to that feeling now will mean feeling less vulnerable later. Just, say, once a week, I’ll make a bit more effort with my appearance. I’ll switch to contact lenses instead of glasses, maybe put in some dangly earrings (because I love dangly earrings but I normally don’t think about it in the morning) and even, maybe, put on some makeup. I don’t normally wear makeup, at all, unless it’s a special event and one of my friend’s forces me to sit still while they apply it for me, but… maybe.
Right. That’s decided. Thanks for listening.
